Monday, December 23, 2002

ok, i think i finally figured this blogger thing out.

so sunday i had yella spend the night with me. that's my best friend. or rather, she used to be until she decided to ditch me for the upperclassmen and my sister. she came over and we were trying to figure out what to do when stephanie calls my house. to talk to yella. she grabs the phone and asumes the "happy" voice that she uses when socializing. i lay on my bed, watching a moth fly around me ceiling fan and listening to yella get more and more excited and squeal-y. then i hear her say, "oh, i'd LOVE to. lemme ask." she puts her hand over the phone and looks at me all bright-eyed. "stephanie wants us to go to the ballroom with her and dustin."

i shoot a look at kalli, who's on the computer. she's the one yella's been talkin to for the last hour while i've been studing the vines on my ceiling. kalli knows what i'm thinking. i say, "who's gonna be there?"

"oh lots of people. jared and katie, dustin and staphanie, chelsey, dani, jared, jon, chad, colby, nathan, brent..." she fades off, hoping i won't see the flush that's come to her face from mentioning HIS name.

i give kalli another look. "danielle, i really don't feel like getting dressed up to go dancin at the ballroom with a ton of people i don't even care about."

"pleeeease," she begs. "it'll be so much fun."

kalli comes to my rescue just like the perfect older sister. "i really don't feel like going out either. plus you'd have to ask my mom."

that does it. yella hates talking to my mom. she thinks mom hates her, when mom really doesn't. she thinks of yella as part of the family so she feels free to treat her like one of the kids. this scares yella and has for ten years.

"oh. yeah." she turns back to the phone. "sorry steph, but we can't go... uh huh... alright.. have fun... bye." she tossed the phone onto my bed and slumps down in my chair.

i try to make amends. "i'm sorry danielle. i just don't really feel like dancing right now."

she gives me a fake drill-team smile. "oh it's ok. dani won't be able to go now, but it's fine."

i know she wants me to ask, but i don't care. "what, dani can't go unless you do?"

"basically. her parents are real strict like that." she returns to her slumped position and stares at the floor.

great. so now she's gonna be mope-y for the rest of the evening. i almost wish i had decided to have her spend the night on an impulse. she diden't want to anyway. i asked her on messenger and she wrote back that she'd "have to see if she could." translates into "if no one else asks me to do anything i will."

i don't need this. here i am tryin to save our ten year friendship and all she cares about is going out to be close to that bastard brent.

so we spend maybe an hour like that with yella occasionally talking to kalli. not me of course. i'm the one who's going to screw up her social life. then one of kalli's college friends comes over and wisks kalli away. yea. now me and yella are alone with nothing to do. i'm dying to know what's up with her and her sort of ex-boyfriend, but i don't want her to know that. but she does and brings him up. "i really need to see brent. i gotta call him soon..." then she launches into talking about everything disgusting thing she thinks is so wonderful about that jackass. she tells me that she really still likes him even though they broke up last may and how she can't help it and how she thinks of him all the time and how she wants to be with ihm and all this other crap. she doesn't notice my silence. the other danielle would've, but the new? please. it might actually require her to listen to something i say.

finally i can't take it any more. i wait until she takes a breath and ask, "are you hungry?" so we troop downstairs and get some cold taco soup left over from when my relatives came over the day before. then she turns to me with another drill-team smile and says, "let's have a moviefest." i smile and say sure when all i really wanna do is sleep.

so upstairs we go and the movie she picks is dirty dancing. i can't stand that movie. it's so fake and it encourages her frivolous ideas that "everything works out" and HE is perfect and not matter what you do, if it's for love it's ok. when she falls asleep halfway through it, i greatfully turn off the damn thing and debate weather or not to sleep on the couch in the room with her or go to my bed. my ridiculous sense of loyalty prevails and i grab my pillow.

what a loser i am. but i can't help it. even after all the crap she puts me through i just can't forget the ten years we spent being best friends in one year. it's just not plausible. i know i'm going to crack one day. everyone tells me to drop her because i'm the only one who's trying to do anything to keep our friendship going. but i can't. even though she rips me apart with her every word and action, i can't. i'm stupid that way.

i think of these things while i look at her sleeping, oblivious to what she's done to me. then i pull her blanket over her shoulders, lay down and have a fitful sleep with haunting dreams.